Lost Woods (2011)

I would've guessed this movie was set in the 80's....George had a mullet, neon pink short shorts, and a boom box. Lucy with her high waisted jeans, striped blouse (just like the one I had in the 80s!) and side pony. they had big ass walkie talkies, no cell phones. like you'd get reception out there anyway, I guess....

(my Bigfoot movie needs classic rock soundtrack!) I also liked the comic strip beginning. something different. Then there was the flipping through the channels to let us know the search had been called off for a camper missing over a month...

This isn't going to be like Deliverance, is it?

that moment when the Sheriff flags you down and tells you you're entering the area where that camper disappeared and was never found...

then you meet the badasses who just take your knife and threaten you...

A kid goes in the woods, thinks he's King Shit and Mother Nature knocks him down.

and then there is George's comic book Sasquatch research...if you get bit by a Squatch, you turn into one. like a Werewolf.

Don't let George's creature get ya. (jokes on you, he'll get everyone but Darrin.)

taking a dump in the woods. (rustling)

Probably a coyote. Or a bear. It's ok. George, set yourself up with a beer.

Our parents didn't raise a murderer.

Whose parents do?

peeing in the woods and singing....then one by one all of your friends join in and there's a whole chorus of you. Bigfoot's gonna love this shit. but he lets it slide. must've been busy stalking and killing some other campers...

(crashing)

Darrin has a dream about Bigfoot posing all model like on the mountain, then attacking him...

now the dog is missing....(good ol' Truk), truck torn all to hell, campsite trashed, George impaled....

oh man, you can't bury George out in the woods with a cross made of 2 sticks. this isn't the 1800s, for Gods Sake.

We can't carry him out. We'll come back for him.

(only you don't make it, Rey. you end up right next to him. and your sister Lucy. and that missing camper that Darrin finds in the Bigfoot cave. and the Sheriff finds ya'll. in that strange graveyard located next to a campsite and a 1970s pickup truck that had been disabled. and disabled meaning Bigfoot ripped the damn motor out of it and tossed it somewhere...)

but first, Lucy and Darrin are making out at George's graveside. Classy. guess all that sexual tension found it's way to the surface.

It's all so shadowy. But there strolls Bigfoot across the meadow like he owns the damn thing. He's a roided out muscular Arnold Schwarzenegger looking creature. You shoot him, he grabs your buddy Warren who is (wait for it. wait for it.) pissing in the woods. Not like I've ever been a camper, but DAMN.

Rey gets caught in a bear trap, but still manages to stalk around the woods with his bloody wifebeater, backpack, rifle, and booze looking for Bigfoot. Bigfoot caught Lucy while Darrin was getting Rey out of the bear trap. and Rey shot his sister. and Bigfoot got away.

Heroics? Is that what you call it? I killed Lucy.

(growling)

You're drunk. You can't beat this thing.

Rey shoots at Bigfoot. Bigfoot punches him in the face. Rey stabs him with a stick. Bigfoot beats him up. He's Bigfoot. You ain't gonna win, Rey.

Warren's not dead? (because, omg, I'm thinking Bigfoot bit him which means.....he turns into a Bigfoot!)

Screaming in the woods about your childhood and your dead friends is probably gonna attract the Bigfoot. I mean, we're assuming you're all dead meat at this point, but is this how you want to spend your last moments?

this is a clever Bigfoot trap. A bit elaborate. Gunshots and fire to attract him, running thru the woods so he'll chase you and get his foot in a snare, which is attached to a boulder which drags him into the water...but he won't die. They never do. and while you're all lounged out congratulating yourselves...here he comes again.

Darrin somehow escapes AGAIN. Woah. Bigfoot does an impressive canyon leap. Darrin falls. he smears shit on his face. he thinks Bigfoot can't see him, can just smell him. Obviously not. Bigfoot is on your ass again. so you run through the woods with a machete. seems dangerous. then again, so is running from a serial killer Bigfoot.

cut off Bigfoot's head and black smoke ROLLS out. then his body just disappears into thick black smoke. (this is why we don't find the bodies, eh? someone should tell the cast of Finding Bigfoot.)

Truk! Hey, Truk! Hey, girl!

(growling.) I assume this is the Warren Bigfoot getting ready to start on HIS rampage...

I lost four of my best friends on that trip and in the process I found myself.

and then Darrin and Truk just walk down the railroad tracks into the horizon....

I love the credits. a buncha buncha buncha Ellerings acted in this, and did about everything else. and Kayne's Mom. she made the credits. I love it. I have to have amazingly clever credits in my Bigfoot movie!